oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
