Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
