We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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