he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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