I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
