I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
