He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
