Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
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I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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