also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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