I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just gargled with NyQuil
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
