3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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