Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
