Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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