I'm eating all of the evidence.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
