I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
