last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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