Your mouth is God's brothel.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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