Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
