Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
