when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
