Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
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I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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