1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
farters have to be the big spoon...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
