He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
