I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
