bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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