I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
