I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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