i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
