so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
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We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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