Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
