Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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