just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
