A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
