Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
