you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
