Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dont even know how to be here
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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