I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
