Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
