I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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