I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
