You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
