im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think my vagina is haunted
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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