when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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