somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
