So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
