he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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