did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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