I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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