I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
