I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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