I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
