I just pynch a tree in the face
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
