he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
