the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
