sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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