Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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