she woke up with a sticky ear
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
