ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
