Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This is my gift to your gina
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
