My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
