On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do herpes really smell.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I need to align my fucking chakras
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize