Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
