my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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